'Ask Buddy', Installment number One

'Ask Buddy'

I have decided to start a 'Self' Help' column, 'Ask Buddy', in which Buddy will strive to 'answer' questions of all sorts posed by his faithful readers, of which I'm pretty sure number around 3-4, well, at least 3 at last count.

Regardless of the 'numbers', I mean, who's keeping score, right?, and 'readers' or not, I hope to be of some insignificant assistance to anyone who has questions relating to personal issues, financial woes, relationship fiascos, or whatever the case may be, real or imagened. My 'motto' is; If someone is crazy enough to 'ask' me for personal advice, then I'm just crazy enough to field that just as crazy question, with a, just as crazy answer.

Already, the Emails, texts, and phone calls are rolling in by the one's and two's.

Here, let me arm wrestle a few of them while I have your 'attention'.

 

Installment number 1
 

Dear Buddy,

A friend and I were playing with my pet gerbal. We always play 'safe gerbal' by tying a string to its tail for fast retrival. However, the string broke and I now have a pissed off gerbal residing somewhere up my anus. I'm really worried about him because he has had 'nothing' to eat for two days now. My question is; what should I feed him? Thanks,
 'Worried in Miami.'
 

Dear 'Worried',

Butt, butt, fortunately, I cannot identify with your little 'butt' problem. However, in the interest of 'trying' to help you, a little research reveals that gerbals enjoy a good helping of 'nuts'. As gerbals are nocturnal animals I would encourage you to secure your 'own' nuts while you sleep, you know, just in case.
 

Dear Buddy,

I am a faithful Democratic Party member. My wife on the other hand, is a staunch Republican. She has threatened to leave me unless I switch to her 'party'. She say's, "It's my way or the highway". In response to her threats, what should I say to her.

'Confused in Chicago'
 

Dear Confused,

I feel your pain as I'm sure many others do as well.

Choose your words as if they are food that you might have to eat later. My well worn advice is to tell her that she will be missed, you know, for a while.
 

Dear Buddy,

I love my dog 'Tootsie', but everytime a stranger comes to my door, Tootsie barks like crazy, and it's driving 'me' absolutely nuts with the, 'bark, bark, bark' stuff. I have tried everything! I take her to the movies, bike rides, snorkling, I take her to get manicures, I let her sleep in my bed, but she still barks at strangers. I'm at witts end! What should I do now?

'At Witts End in Atlanta'
 

Dear 'At Witts End',

Take 'Tootsie' to a Dog Trainer under the guise of 'training her', you know, about the barkie stuff, to stop it with the insessant barking. Tell her you'll be 'right back', and to count to 100, six times. Give the dog trainer a fake name and phone number, then, go find yourself a 'human' girlfriend, making sure of course, that she does not have a dog that also 'barks' at strangers.
 

WoW! Talk about being 'flooded' with questions! Whew! I can see that this is gonna take off like a lead hot-air balloon!

Tune in next time when 'Ask Buddy' fends off some more questions from who knows who, about who knows what. ;) ;)