'Wowzeee! Am I a certified, card carrying chip off the ol' evangelical chopping block or what! I mean, when I point my bugger finger straight up in the air, you know, like I'm pointing to heaven, you better know that I mean business! I'm not standing up here blathering on just because I'm getting filthy rich from 'shearing' my flock of sheepals! Oh no, I'm up here because the good lord, well, and my incredibly wealthy father, put me up here to spread the 'word' of the lord. So, before I go on, and on, and on about how benevolent our good lord is, lets pass those offering plates one more time so that I can pay for this fabulious designer jewelery that I'm wearing. Bling, bling! Praise the lord! And god said, 'let there be bling', and so there was lots of bling, mostly mine of course. Ok, now where was I? The sounds of those checks and twenty dollar bills hitting those plates is Sooo distracting.
Oh yeah, I'd like to cover an issue that vex's us all. Terrorism. Whoa! Shivers me timbers just thinking about it. Why does it happen at all, you may ask. Well, you've asked the right evangelical. Praise the lord and your lucky day! So, it's like this; "..God allows bad things to happen. I think that’s why he would allow 9/11 to happen, or the dreadful attack in San Bernardino. To show us we need him." It's as simple as that. I'm surprised that I'm the only person that has figured this out. See how simple that is? Doesn't that just explain everything you have been wondering about. It's called 'cause and effect'. Here, let me make it simple for the simple minded christians that attend my incredibly opulent church. Do you ever wonder why we have traffic control lights at intersections? Well, when god invented intersections he did it sans the traffic lights so that people would just slam into one another killing each other left and right. He did it like this so that when he later invented traffic lights people would understand why; So they'd stop crashing into one another. Simple! Praise the lord! And then people proclaimed how much they appreciate, and need god to protect them from themselves. God is so clever! I could mention stuff like; why there's a safety latch on machine guns, why you have locks on your doors, why we have a 'do not call' registry, 'caution' deer crossing signs, 'brakes' on our cars, but I think you get the jest of my message here. It's all in gods clever plan to make us 'need' him. And it couldn't be more 'true' than with terrorists. Right now he 'lets' it happen, and one or two people die a year. Big deal. But it scares the gibbies out of heathens who then start praying real hard, and then they're hooked on jesus, and realize just how weak, helpless, hopeless, and puny they are, and how much they need an invisable spirit they'll never see, to save them from themselves. Praise our benevolent, thoughful lord, and pass the collection plates!'
See More
Oh yeah, I'd like to cover an issue that vex's us all. Terrorism. Whoa! Shivers me timbers just thinking about it. Why does it happen at all, you may ask. Well, you've asked the right evangelical. Praise the lord and your lucky day! So, it's like this; "..God allows bad things to happen. I think that’s why he would allow 9/11 to happen, or the dreadful attack in San Bernardino. To show us we need him." It's as simple as that. I'm surprised that I'm the only person that has figured this out. See how simple that is? Doesn't that just explain everything you have been wondering about. It's called 'cause and effect'. Here, let me make it simple for the simple minded christians that attend my incredibly opulent church. Do you ever wonder why we have traffic control lights at intersections? Well, when god invented intersections he did it sans the traffic lights so that people would just slam into one another killing each other left and right. He did it like this so that when he later invented traffic lights people would understand why; So they'd stop crashing into one another. Simple! Praise the lord! And then people proclaimed how much they appreciate, and need god to protect them from themselves. God is so clever! I could mention stuff like; why there's a safety latch on machine guns, why you have locks on your doors, why we have a 'do not call' registry, 'caution' deer crossing signs, 'brakes' on our cars, but I think you get the jest of my message here. It's all in gods clever plan to make us 'need' him. And it couldn't be more 'true' than with terrorists. Right now he 'lets' it happen, and one or two people die a year. Big deal. But it scares the gibbies out of heathens who then start praying real hard, and then they're hooked on jesus, and realize just how weak, helpless, hopeless, and puny they are, and how much they need an invisable spirit they'll never see, to save them from themselves. Praise our benevolent, thoughful lord, and pass the collection plates!'
See More
No comments:
Post a Comment