'My fellow Americans, I, as America's 'exalted' leader in all things American, am really proud of the millions of American workers who have stepped up, without even being asked, and have ' volunteered' to lose their jobs, paychecks, credit ratings, home mortages, car loans, self esteem, and of course food, in order to enable me to "build that wall". Remember, this is Not about Me, Me, Me, it's about, you, you, you, and as you can plainly see by now, all about You, my wonderful, subserviant serfs, who so 'willingly', without a single complaint, want my every childish wish to come true. How can I ever 're-pay' you?
Now, I 'know' that there's a few of you wonderful folks, who not wealthy and entitled like myself, who 'may' be feeling some small hunger pains right about now. A few lazy of you, who failed to save for future emergencies such as this, are probably wishing by now that you had. I, myself, always strive to put away at least ten million or so in cash in various bank accounts, just for un-forseen events such as this instant one. Hey, who could have ever guessed that this 'shut-down' would actually occurr? Not me, that's for sure. I was as 'surprised' as the next person. Really caught me off guard! Really. No lie.
But now that it's here, I have a few suggestions that will help all my Federal 'friends' get through these trying times.
“Local people know who they are, when they go for groceries and everything else,” “And I think...that they will work along. I know banks are working along.” My 'bankers' always 'worked' with me whenever I needed to borrow millions of dollors for a failing business deal. That's what they 'do'. That makes them happy to be your 'friend'. “And that’s what happens in times like this,” “They know the people, they’ve been dealing with them for years, and they work along.” I love banks! How could I ever survive without them. My failing 'empire' was built on the backs of 'banks'.
As for my Federal, out of work, 'employees', or 'serfs' as I like to call them, “I love them,” “I respect them. I really appreciate the great job they are doing. Many of those people that are not getting paid are totally in favor of what we’re doing. Because they know the future of this country depends on having a strong border. Especially a strong southern border.” A "Border wall" that's much more important to them than their jobs, finacial security, and their happy futures. I don't know who started this crazy 'shut-down' thing but as soon as I find out, I'll fire the hell out of him! Honest. Trust me here folks, trust me. I'd never lie to you unless I have to. Honest. But this isn't about 'Me', is it?
Here's some suggestions that will work like crazy to help those few people marginally affected by this 'surprising' event; Borrow food from your neighbors. Make soup out of old shoes, everyone has a few of those laying around, well, I don't of course, but that's just me. I hear that 'road kills', whatever that is, are high in nutrition. Go to your local food getting place, I think it's called 'grocery store' or something like that, never been in one myself, but that stuff comes from 'somewhere', right?, load up one of those thingies, you know, those things with those little wheels on it, and tell the owner that I said to "work" with you, and that you'll pay later on. Go to your local American bank, or a trusted Russian bank like I do, a money lender, loan shark, whatever, get a loan. That's what I always do. They love to give money away. Don't worry that you don't have a job or ruined credit rating, just tell them you 'know' me, and I said it's OK, and they'll "work" with you.
This will be over one of these days, another month maybe, or a year. We'll see. And then everything will be right back to 'happy days' just like it used to be, and you'll forget about this in no time flat, no matter how long it takes.
Thanks loads folks, I 'knew' you'd understand, and support me no matter how much it hurts you to please me. Really. Boy, I love making "America Great Again". What fun! Well, have a good time, I must run along, time for brunch, and then put my order in to my personal chef for dinner. Doing all this hard work for America makes me one hungry guy!'
:/
