'Praise the Lord, and pass the collection plate!
Folks, the good lord woke me up in the wee hours of the night and whacked me right on the head with an Epiphany. I was surprised as all git out, and said, 'Lord' why me? And the Good Lord said, 'Pat, you're the man! I can always count on You to spread the gospel, evangelicals will believe anything you toss at them, now get out there and enlighten!'.
And folks, here's what I just gotta tell you. Are you fat, obese, overweight, eating twenty four hours a day, always hungry, carrying around hamburgers in your pockets, twinkies behind your ears? Does it seem like there's just no end to your hunger binges. Are you always wondering 'why' do I eat food, especially when I'm hungry? Well, wonder no more folks! The 'reason' is quite simply really. The food you are eating is demonically possessed. That's right! You heard me correctly folks. You see, food that grows in the ground, and what doesn't, gets the devil in it because the devil comes right up from hell, the devils workshop, and gets in your food. If it's not cleansed properly by prayers before you eat it, then you get a devil of an eating disorder. The devil must "be rebuked, and cast out" before you can safely eat possessed food. Have you been saying your prayers of thanksgiving before you eat? Well, what's happening is that it's still full of demons, and if you don't pray then you are eating demons that make you sick, or fat, or just sick of being fat. Once you have rebuked and cast out the devil, it's safe to eat as much as you want, as often as you wish, and never get fat, or sick, and stuff. That's right folks, simple as that. The best way to get rid of your devilish eating disorders is to properly pray and give thanks just before you take a bite. here's how it's done, just follow my instructions, and then, you can safely dive into any feast. It's always worked for me, myself, because I've never had a single demon in me, ever. First, think of what you're gonna say, otherwise it's gonna sound like 'talking in tongues' which even the good lord won't understand. Then, it's good to humble yourself by 'taking a knee'. Then for some reason you must close your eyes real tight, don't be looking around to see what everyone else is doing, and bow your head a little for even more humbleness. Then go ahead and say thanks for all sorts of stuff, especially for the food, and be sure to mention about rebuking, and casting out the demonic spirits that your food is possessed with. That's all there is to it. Just like magic your food will now be safe to eat. You wont get fat, or sick, or sick of being fat, or sick of being sick, and stuff. Take it from me folks, I'd never 'lead' you wrong. Be sure to enclose a self addressed envelope with your generous 'offering', it costs me a lot of money to continue my mission of passing along gods good advice. Send cash, personal checks or money orders only. And remember, when I say 'Pass the plate', I'm not talking about 'food''.
;)
Folks, the good lord woke me up in the wee hours of the night and whacked me right on the head with an Epiphany. I was surprised as all git out, and said, 'Lord' why me? And the Good Lord said, 'Pat, you're the man! I can always count on You to spread the gospel, evangelicals will believe anything you toss at them, now get out there and enlighten!'.
And folks, here's what I just gotta tell you. Are you fat, obese, overweight, eating twenty four hours a day, always hungry, carrying around hamburgers in your pockets, twinkies behind your ears? Does it seem like there's just no end to your hunger binges. Are you always wondering 'why' do I eat food, especially when I'm hungry? Well, wonder no more folks! The 'reason' is quite simply really. The food you are eating is demonically possessed. That's right! You heard me correctly folks. You see, food that grows in the ground, and what doesn't, gets the devil in it because the devil comes right up from hell, the devils workshop, and gets in your food. If it's not cleansed properly by prayers before you eat it, then you get a devil of an eating disorder. The devil must "be rebuked, and cast out" before you can safely eat possessed food. Have you been saying your prayers of thanksgiving before you eat? Well, what's happening is that it's still full of demons, and if you don't pray then you are eating demons that make you sick, or fat, or just sick of being fat. Once you have rebuked and cast out the devil, it's safe to eat as much as you want, as often as you wish, and never get fat, or sick, and stuff. That's right folks, simple as that. The best way to get rid of your devilish eating disorders is to properly pray and give thanks just before you take a bite. here's how it's done, just follow my instructions, and then, you can safely dive into any feast. It's always worked for me, myself, because I've never had a single demon in me, ever. First, think of what you're gonna say, otherwise it's gonna sound like 'talking in tongues' which even the good lord won't understand. Then, it's good to humble yourself by 'taking a knee'. Then for some reason you must close your eyes real tight, don't be looking around to see what everyone else is doing, and bow your head a little for even more humbleness. Then go ahead and say thanks for all sorts of stuff, especially for the food, and be sure to mention about rebuking, and casting out the demonic spirits that your food is possessed with. That's all there is to it. Just like magic your food will now be safe to eat. You wont get fat, or sick, or sick of being fat, or sick of being sick, and stuff. Take it from me folks, I'd never 'lead' you wrong. Be sure to enclose a self addressed envelope with your generous 'offering', it costs me a lot of money to continue my mission of passing along gods good advice. Send cash, personal checks or money orders only. And remember, when I say 'Pass the plate', I'm not talking about 'food''.
;)
Bad medicine: Televangelist Pat Robertson tells viewers to treat eating disorders “as a demonic possession thing,” and claims an eating disorder “is like a demon and it…
patheos.com|By Progressive Secular Humanist Examiner
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