Doctor Carson Has 'Spoken'

Doctor Carson Has 'Spoken'

Recently our roving reporter, our man with his thumb on the pulse of the World, Buddy Black (BB), was fortuitous in being able to interview Ben Carson (BC), former brain surgeon, and current U.S. Presidential candidate, right here on world famous BSRN (Buddy's Satirical Rambling News) News Station. BB was able with just a few simple questions to get to the heart of Mr. Carson, who, it is rumored, will be replacing Fred Rogers of the long running Mister Rogers Neighborhood TV show. Pulling no punches, and fending off subtle 'punches' from Mr. Carson himself, BB was able, as no one has before, to get BC to open up, and reveal his true self for all of America to see. Here then is the complete, unedited and unabridged interview;
  
BB: Thank you for allowing me to interview you Mr. Carson. (said the spider to the fly)
BC: Yes, I really love being interviewed, when I heard that I might get some press I grabbed my favorite sweater outta my closet, and I ran right down. Well, I didn't actually 'run', I rode my big PeeWee Herman bicycle. He's my favorite person.
BB: It's good to have a 'hero', but enough about other people, let's talk about You.
BC: Oh good, but let's all us use our 'soft' voices. You see boy's and girl's, no one listens to Loud Talkers, no one like a Yeller. That's why Everyone likes Me. I don't yell. I always use my very soft voice when I talk. You might have to get real close to me so that you can hear and understand every important thing I whisper.
BB: Welll...thank you for that bit of needy advice.   Mr. Carson, what exactly is the Platform you're running on?
BC: Oh I don't even like Standing on a platform, let alone Running on one, standing on a stage is much safer.
BB: Your opponent, Mr. Trump, insinuated that you are 'weak' and that you don't know much for a 'brain surgeon', how do you respond to that?
BC: Oooo...I think I don't like him very much. He's a meanie, and besides, he Yells, I don't like yellers. And I'm not weak, did you see me pick that baby up and shake him all about? Do I look Weak there? Oh, and I know more than Trump does, my brain is smarter than His.
BB: Do you think Women should be allowed to run for the Presidency?
BC: Running is wayyy over rated, it's not all that good for your toes. And Yes, women should do that. When I'm President, and I call for my secretary, I Expect her to come a running.
BB: What is your 'take' on Abortion?
BC: Ahhh...I was a 'Brain Surgeon'. Remember? I don't work outside my field.
BB: But you have in the past said that you oppose Any and All abortions, does that go for an abortion for a raped woman, or in the case where the Mother will Die unless an abortion is performed?
BC: Yes of course, no exceptions, God has spoken.
BB: I'm sure we all admire your steadfastness. But let me proffer a medical scenario if I May; Imagine that you are called to the hospital Emergency Room. Three victims, two Men, and a Women, of a car crash have arrived, all three with serious brain injuries. One of the Men cannot survive no matter what treatment he immediately receives. Of the two remaining victims, Both need immediate brain surgery or they two will die. Unfortunately, there is only medical supplies on hand to operate on and Save One of the victims. One of them is Your Father. Who Lives?
BC: Ohhhh....Now I get it. Good point.
BB: The 7th Day Adventists, which you Are one, believe in the 'Virgin Birth'. Can you use medical terms and explain to your fans how That Actually occurs?
BC: Ahhhh...well you see...it's like...ahhh.....No.
BB: How do you feel about 'civil Unions' for same sex couples?
BC: I have no problems with Anyone joining a union, this is America where Everyone has a right to work and do as they please, with whomever they please as long as they don't include Me.
BB: If you had a Sister who wanted to marry another woman, how would you respond?
BC: What Sister?!
BB: How old do you know, is the Earth?
BC: Oh That's an easy one, about 6,000 years.
BB: Well, how do you explain Fossils? You being a learned Scientist would know That.
BC: Oh, God put them there when he made Earth. They were gonna Be Animals but God wasn't satisfied with them and just froze them in rocks, just like That.
BB: What 'sign' were you born under?
BC: Oh, that one's easy too. Thanks for asking me easy questions by the way. I remember Everything since even before I was born, that's because I have a superior brain. I remember looking up and seeing a sign that read, Emergency Room. That's the One.
BB: Why do you want to be our President?
BC: Well, I was just looking for a part-time job when I saw This in the 'Jobs' section of the paper. I bet it will be fun. Hey, it doesn't Take a Brain surgeon ya know.
BB: Well Mr. Carson, I think we have plunged deep enough into your 'superior' brain, and as the Oil Well drillers were wont to say, 'We've got a dry Hole here boys!
God's speed, however Fast That is, Mr. Carson, and to all, a good night.