"Madness"
'So, yeah, I'm whatcha might call a world renowned homeopathic 'Treater of undocumented craziness'. As you can readily imagine, I'm catching a lot of flak about this "rabies" thing, and I usually keep my secrets close under my hat, but because I'm also getting a ton of 'great' publicity about this, my phone has just been ringing off the hook, I have decided to reveal my secret, yet 'medically' exciting treatment for, in this instant case,'mad hatter child syndrome'.
It's like this; one unspecified day I was just sitting around in my dank, and dusty, cellar lab, dodging spiders, tinkering with some bubbling vials of the unknown, talking to no one in particular, actually, to me, myself, and I, neither of which was paying any attention to anything being said by the other, when it occurred to us that surely there's a mysteriously mythical illness thriving around out there that mankind has never heard of, and that requires an equally mysteriously, and undocumented treatment, and untested cure for same. At about that same time I heard, above the din of the incessant chatter of my other selves, and the web weaving noise of the spider looms, the unmistakable breakage of window glass. What could the matter be, I thought to no one in particular as I dashed, nay, bounded, up my cellar stairs to ascertain the cause of such fractured glass. And what met my unaided eye was really no surprise as I spied my neighbors not yet five, but older than three year old, child ready to hurl yet another stone at yet another virgin window! This child must surely be 'mad', I thought out loud, 'mad as a hatter', 'mad as a rabid dog'! I immediately beckoned my neighbor, the unfortunate father of this miscreant, for an explanation of why this little vandal, sans adult supervision, has treated my window glass so roughly. 'He's out of control, mad as a loon, crazy as a "rabid" four year old dog, Nothing can be done to cure my little wild child of this craziness', was his sad reply. Hmmm..., no "cure" you say...hmmm, well, we'll just see about that! It was plain to me that, "This child presented a perfect picture of this type of rabies state. Most homeopaths would have easily recognized the remedy required in this case". And of course, I, being, an astute treater of all things crazy, 'knew' exactly what must be done. And to work I got!
The first rule of a world renowned homeopath such as myself, is to fight 'fire with fire', so to speak. So, here we have a "rabid" child, and it doesn't take a medical genious to figure out the 'cure'. First, I must have a certified, card carrying, rabies infected, aside from this mad child, crazy as the mad hatter subject, preferrably a stray dog. Where, I wondered out loud, would I ever find such a mad, unrestrained, out of control animal. And then I remembered, where better to find such madness than in the District of Columbia, Washington, DC, the 'New Swamp'. It seems that everyone, and everything there, is afflicted with a 'madness infirmary' of one sort or another. Perhaps it's something in the water. But it did not take me long to capture a 'mad dog', one just full to the hilt with mouth drooling rabies. Now of course I could not let one mad critter bite another mad critter, that would be just plain crazy, which I'm certainly 'not'. Now as we all 'know', "A bite from an animal, with or without rabies vaccination, has the potential to imprint an altered state in the person who was bitten, in some ways similar to a rabies infection. This can include over-excitability, difficulties sleeping, aggression, and various fears, especially of dogs or wolves". And of course this fits the very indisputable description of this "mad rabies" child in question here. The obvious 'answer' here is to create in this already crazy, uncontrolable child, a “slightly rabid-dog state.” My 'scientifically' altered mind began whirlling round and round until I was practically delierious with excitement! The answer is not the 'bite' of the mad dog, but the spit, the saliva, the maddening drool, from the mad dog! Thus my theory, 'fight fire with fire', or in this case 'spit v spit', or 'like cures like'.
Back to my little dark, and slightly dreary cellar I flew with wild abandon, chemical concoctions whirling about in my flights of fancy medical brain! Imagine my unbridled excitement as I imagined the fame that would come to me as a result of this 'scientific' discovery, this astounding breakthrough in mind control! As quick as a whiz I had discovered the antodote to this 'mad' child's madness! Boiling beakers, smouldering caulderon, bubbling vials, ground up bat hair, lizard tails, albino mouse droppings, and rabid dog saliva, to name a few, and the cure was done. I summoned Father and mad child to my now foggy laboritory, dripping with 'scientific knowledge, where I administered the cure for this rabid childhood madness. And just like that, the madness was gone, the rabies cured, both dog and child back to normal, nothing to it.
Next, I will undoubtably, without question, cure the worldwide scourge of 'mass stupidity'. But first I must find a suitable subject, someone who might very well be the epitome of stupidity, someone who above all others stands out as the poster child of the very word. Who could that be, I asked to myself, me, and I, who ever could that singular idiot possibly be? I doubt that I should have to search very far from my door.'
;) ;)
