'The 'Transparent' White House Briefing'
'Good Morning.
To our media 'friends' who suck-up properly, and refrain from asking questions, welcome to this mornings 'media bash'.
To the 'Fake News' hawkers, you could have just stayed home. First, I would like to say that the President thinks you All are disgusting insects that resembles dung beetles.
To our 'friends' here today, and you know who you are, you may open the gold sealed envelope you were given upon arrival this morning. Inside you will find a 'selfie' of the President in the lavatory of the "overpriced" Presidential airplane, along with a one dollar McDonalds coupon, good only at the McDonalds in Lotus, Texas.
The rest of you, The disgusting "Opposition Party", please refer to the shredder sized scrape of paper issued to you with the single question you are allowed to ask this morning, If, I even call on you, which you Know I won't. If you failed to bring your own magnifier, too bad.
The President has temporally banned that disgusting, flame throwing, fake news mongers 'news' station, 'BBSN' (BuddyBlacksSatiricalNews) from the 'Press Room' until they comply with our "Alternative Facts' policy, and converts and repents, and 'promises' to cease and dissist from picking on our 'Honest' President, and his honorably 'honest' staff. Let this be a lesson learned for the rest of you disgusting bugs who dare even to 'think' common sense thoughts!
The President gives a 'shout out' to his good pal 'Vlad The Nation Builder'. Vlad, call the Pres., needs some social media pointers...call him, might have a cushy staff spot for you.
Yes, the President totally believes in conspriacy theories, especially the one he rants about the most, 'Illegal voters'. He knows more about it than anyone on this planet, including the planet he, himself is from, Uranus. He will show absolute 'proof' of this voter fraud issue sooner or later. Maybe more....Later, thannn...sooner.
Yes, he totally believes that the lies he often tells are the absolute 'truth', and nothing But the truth. We must 'accept' him as he is. Hey, we All have our little 'hangups'.
The MEDIA; way over rated, and on the road to extinction. However, if you convert to "Alternative Facts" reporting, the President will absolve you of your past 'sins'. Remember though, he does Not forget the things you have lied about in the past. Vengence is his. Just sayin'.
There's a vicious rumor going around that the President is going to suspend 'Freedom of the Press' rights in America. Fake news by that disgusting 'BBSN'! Well, here's the 'truth', It will Not be called a 'suspension' at all. Oh, before you leave today remember to turn in all yor notes, recordings, both audio and video to security, then proceed to the 'brain scrubber' room at the end of the hall.
From now on anyone who attends any kind of meeting called by the President, will be required to 'look' happy, laugh, clap, and just be themselves while in the presence of his majesty, just like the Automobile execs are doing in the photo attached to your press packets. Remember, the President never forgets a slight. Just act 'happy', he loves that. And remember, always say 'yes sir', he hates the word 'no'. He Will 'fire' you.
No, the President does Not exibit blatant 'signs' of being afflicted with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. This is just another right wing attemtp to make the President look like a Simpleton. He's way more than That. He simply believes what he believes no matter what contrary evidence there is, and when he see's something he feels strongly about that causes him anxiety all the time, he simply jumps right on it like a bulldog and shakes it until it gives up the ghost, even if it's futile, and takes Forever. This is the sign of a person who is More than 'qualified' to be Commander-In-Chief of our nation. Long live Trump!
MEXICO; lame country. Full of criminals and rapists. There is no credible evidence that Mexico has filled a lawsuit with the World Court, which America does Not recognize nor co-operate with, to force America to give them back the land stolen from them at gun point during the 'Mexican-American' war. Just another 'fake' news story. Hey, it's not Our fault they didn't know how to fight! Great 'landscape' workers though. Thank you for California and Texas by the way. Just Try and get it back! The president will use his full power of Bullyism to make Mexico do whatever he Wants them to do, and in the end they will be thankful that he saved them from themselves, just like he's doing for America. Oh, and one way or another Mexico Will pay for his 'wall' even if he has to destroy their economy and 'friendship' in the process.
The rest of the WORLD; same plan. Must build a wall around the United States to 'protect' it from the rest of the world, Americans will Not stand for anything less. The President feels that the U.S does not need 'friends' in far places. America has carried them for way too long, let them fend for themselves, and they will come back begging to be our 'friends' again.
Russia, and China; The President feels that it's Their turn Again to control Europe and the Asian nations. They can be 'trusted' to work in our interests as well.
The ENVIRONMENT; The President 'knows' more about the fake news about Global Warming than the bogus, scaredy cat scientist do. From now own Americas scientists, the ones that are left for other countries anyway, will have to show their studies about Anything they wish to publish, to the Presidents 'Shredder Committee' who will foreward it to the "Alternative Facts" committee, who will fast foreward it to the 'fact check' committee, who will even faster, foreward it Back to the 'Shredder Committee'. The President feels that clean air is Overtalked, he has never had 'bad air' in Any of his fabulous Towers. If people want Clean water, he owns a company that makes great water filters. Federally protected lands, give it to the oil and gas industry because they 'always' take great care wherever they drive a bulldozer.
Government 'transparancy'; The President is very concerned about 'transparency' as it relates to Governmental business at the White House. And well he should be. So, in light of those concerns, the President will have all the 'clear' windowns of the White House replaced with 'opaque' glass.
That's all for today, sorry we ran out of 'time' for your insignicant questions.' ;) ;)
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