Buddy's Satirical Ramblings: Puerto Rico Loves me!

'No one, not even George Washington, could do what I've been able to do when it comes to how I single handedly saved that backwoods Island of Puerto Rico from its miserable self. Incredible response time! Huge numbers of paper towels handed out. I was right there in the thick of it all, tossing rolls of paper towels until I had to quit due to a severe case of 'Paper Towel Elbow'. But did you see me saving those poor, desperate, disgusting people from that little rain storm they called a 'hurricane'! Get real! "Fake news"! That place was in worse condition Before the hurricane, which actually helped clean up some of the trash there. How did that place get so trashy, and poor? Is anyone even in charge there? Here, I did an “unappreciated great job” saving Puerto Rico despite that “totally incompetent Mayor of San Juan.” What kind of government does that place have!? This was an “incredible unsung success”. No other President could have carried this off like I did all by myself. My approval rating in Puerto Rico is off the charts! Huge fans there! Great voters! Big numbers! Don't believe anything you hear or read about that place. And No, happily, nearly 3 thousand people did not die as a result of that little thunderstorm. Impossible! There's not even that many people that live on that miserable, hard to find on a map, Island in the middle of a really huge ocean, in the first place. That would then mean that everyone on the Island died! How could that be? I personally know of only sixteen people who died of old age there. I was there, I saw first hand how those indignant, thankless, foreigners treated me. So sad. Unbelievable. Who does that to someone as great, and exalted, as myself? I gave up a golf game to go there! How do they expect to ever become US citizens if they keep acting like that? Disgusting thankless people!
This is why I have strict immigration laws! Does anyone there even speak American english?? Must remember to build a wall down there. But they love me anyway, and you know what, I love Puerto Rico. I'm just that kind of a forgiving, benevolent 'leader'. But lets not make this about Me, me, me, and how wonderful I really am. But I Am willing to take credit where credit is overdue. But that's just me, me, me.'