'Ask Buddy' Installment Number 21

   'Ask Buddy'  Installment Number 20

Folks from far and wide, to the near and narrow, can get themselves into a pickle of a jam, and need expert advice on how to un-jam themselves. That's the job of a professional 'Advice Giver' and now lets dive into the problems of of the self induced.

Hi Buddy,

I feel like I already know you! I'm counting on you to help me out of some self-induced financial doldrums which are not caused by me personally, but by people who just don't connect with my problems. So, as you can imagine, it's not Me, it's Them. Where do I begin. When I was 12, I somehow, probably by my pushy fathers doings, I held a respectable job as a newspaper carrier. That worked out well, in my opinion, for a few weeks until unfounded whines from customers expecting too much, got me kicked out of the newspaper work force. Does it really matter at what time of day you get your paper?? I most always, well occasionally anyway, delivered them before midnight but seems like people liked getting the news while they are still awake. See what I mean about whinners?  I was really traumatized by the failure of people to expect more of me than they actually deserve! I'm the one who 'richly deserves' things in life and get all that's coming to me! So, as you can imagine, I haven't actually 'worked' since then, but now while still freeloading in my parents house, at 42 I am self-sufficient by getting government, and other social subsidies, and I don't even have to get dressed and leave my freeloader house and listen to other failures at life whinners. It's a lot of work but somebodies gotta do it, right? If it ain't Me, it'd be someone else.  Anyway, I'm sure you can understand my plight. Buddy, what I need most right now is 2 new inboard engines for my 46' yacht. Word to the wise here, don't use olive oil as a motor oil substitute! Talk about engine freeze-up!! But who knew, right?  Well, I can't figure out how to get a subsidy for new engines here! Wouldn't you think someone would have figured this out by now? That's where You come in Buddy. You seem like a wise and cleaver money maker solving other folks' problems, so could you please help me get those darn engines, and a case of motor oil, so that I can continue my cruise? I'll even trade a few money-making subsidy tips with you! Folks like 'us' gotta stick together, right?

Thanks in advance, 'Stuck In Tahiti'

Dear 'Stuck',

First, look up the definition of 'presumptuous'. Now let's deal with your self induced 'problems'. Does the term, 'Social sponge' ring a bell with you? Anyway, I'll be happy to get you what you richly 'deserve'. Here's what you should do to get 'what's coming' to you. I'm just guessing here that you know more than a few street life sponges that can produce underground paperwork. Find one that can produce some believable government identification, driver's license, SS number, and even a passport, under an assumed name that you can easily remember how to pronounce and spell without looking at it. Using a last name as 'Smith' always works really well. Now with all this 'official' paperwork go to a small bank in another town and open a checking account using the 'home' address of a vacant lot but with a mailing address of a real P.O. Box. They'll issue some real checkbooks, and they will mail those checkbooks to your new P.O. Box. Once you get those checkbooks you are on your way to fame. Now, with some of your spare 'sponge' money, make some deposits via US Mail to your new bank account. You are now setting them up to subsidize your lifestyle! Soon, you'll be using Their money instead of your own. Now, let them get used to you depositing money, withdrawing some now and then, and being a 'good' customer. Soon, you'll be able to get some 'home improvement' cash loans which of course you'll use for your new engines. They'll 'never' know. Really. They don't even pay attention to small details like that. Now, you can get some more 'made-up' Identifications and open accounts at other banks in other towns where you can get other loans to subsidize your rich and famous lifestyle. Remember to always use the US Mail because they will 'always' keep your stuff 'secret'. You can always 'trust' the government. After all of this you will be on your way to eventually getting exactly what You, "richly deserve", and get all that's "coming" to you in life! Keep me posted on how things 'work out' for you.

Lottsa luck 'Stuck', you certainly need it!

Buddy.