"Ask Buddy"   Installment number 23

Hi Buddy!

It's Me, 'Hard scrabble' in New York!

You were probably wondering when you'd hear from me again, and I bet you have worried yourself sick as a dog wondering how I've been. I know I already asked a bunch of questions, and as I mentioned, I have plenty more of'em. But first ya gotta answer some of the ones already asked. 

Too bad about your dog barfing on your keyboard! I don't have a dog, we sorta had to eat him last winter when we ran out of roadkills to eat. But I do have a pet polar bear, I call him/her, not sure which, 'Polar Bear'. I mean, that's what it is right? He ate my keyboard one time. He still hasn't pooped that thing! Do you like Polar Bears? I sure do, even though one time my grandma saw one tearing down the clothesline. She grabbed a broom and ran out to give him his forty whacks. After about ten of'em, he turned around and ate her. Don't take a broom to a bear fight! Good thing to remember.

I'm so glad you are my virtual buddy, Buddy. I really like having friends! Did I ask if you got your keyboard cleaned up. I sure do wish I'd hear from you. Maybe you could send me airfare, and I could come stay with you for a while. Do you have a nice big couch?

Hope to see you soon pal! Hard Scrabble in New York.

D#ar *ard s%ra&&le, Wor&i$g o@ it. I'l* c@$$ ^ou! Re$@@y!

 'News' Alert!!

Trump, America's Little Bully (LB), and his list of things to re-name;

  Well, you ask for it folks and here it is in full living color.

#1-"Gulf of Mexico", which by the way you may remember, America stole from Mexico, has, according

to LB carried that name far too long now and will change the name to its victor "The Gulf of America". Take That Mexico!

#2-"Veterans Day", Yep, that one as well. That "Veterans Day" handle is just way to short and simple and so LB with his 'incredible' intellect dug real deep into his hollow cranium and came out with, "Victory Day for World War 1". The heck with all those other 'wars'! His first choice of names was "Trump Victory Day" but then said to no one in particular, "On second thought, I'm much too humble to name something after my infamous self".

#3-"Presidents Day", You guessed it, "Donald Trump, the Magnificent Day". I mean, Afterall, why not!

#4-"Easter", will be known as, "Trump the Immaculate Conception Day", he, being the very epitome of 'religion' feels that 'Easter' has been giving the credit of discovering Jesus to the wrong person. 

 

"Ask Buddy', Installment Number 22

Dear Buddy,

I know you are likely busy as a one-legged goal kicker, no disrespect in case you really are one, but I have a few imponderables for you to hopefully answer so that I can finally get a good night's sleep.

Is the opposite of 'falling down', you know, like 'falling down' a rabbit hole, 'falling up', you know like 'falling up' the stairs? I mean Who does That!? If I'm 'discombobulated' about something, but then I get it, does that mean I'm now 'bobulated'? If someone says, "man, that's some scary shit", should we suppose that he has actually Seen some "shit" that Wasn't 'scary'?? I have heard folks say. "Well, he's showed up like a bad penny", are 'penny's' Really that 'bad'? Wait! I have just one more Buddy, If the world isn't really flat then why don't they make maps round like a beach ball". Thanks in advance Buddy, you are my answer guru! 'Imponderable' in Grassy Creek, Ga.

Dear Imponderable,

 Your questions describe you well. While I 'ponder' your imponderables perhaps you should find a safe sleep aid, then smack your noggin with a #4 ball peen hammer. When you eventually wake up things will look a little different to you. Keep the ball peen close by in the likely event you should 'somehow' think of another imponderable that could keep you from getting your forty winks. Don't worry, I'll call You. Really. Buddy.

 

'Dear Buddy' Installment Number 21

   Hi Buddy,

I feel like I already know you! I'm counting on you to help me out of some self-induced financial doldrums which are not caused by me personally, but by people who just don't connect with my problems. So, as you can imagine, it's not Me, it's Them. Where do I begin. When I was 12 I somehow, probably my pushy fathers doing, I held a respectable job as a newspaper carrier. That worked out well, in my opinion, for a few weeks until unfounded whines from customers expecting too much, got me kicked out of the newspaper work force. Does it really matter at what time of day you get your paper?? I most always, well occasionally anyway, delivered them before midnight but seems like people liked getting the news while they are still awake. See what I mean about whinners?  I was really traumatized by the failure of people to expect more of me than they actually deserve! I'm the one who 'richly deserves' things in life and get all that's coming to me! So, as you can imagine, I haven't actually 'worked' since then, but now at 42 I am self-sufficient by getting government, and other social subsidies, and I don't even have to get dressed and leave my subsidized house and listen to this failure at life whinners. It's a lot of work but somebodies gotta do it, right? If it ain't Me, it'd be someone else.  Anyway, I'm sure you can understand my plight. Buddy, what I need most right now is 2 new inboard engines for my 46' yacht. Word to the wise here, don't use olive oil as a motor oil substitute! Talk about engine freeze-up!! But who knew, right?  Well, I can't figure out how to get a subsidy for new engines here! Wouldn't you think someone would have figured this out by now? That's where You come in Buddy. You seem like a wise and cleaver money maker solving other folks' problems, so could you please help me get those darn engines, and a case of motor oil, so that I can continue my cruise? I'll even trade a few money-making subsidy tips with you! Folks like 'us' gotta stick together, right?

Thanks in advance, 'Stuck In Tahiti'

Dear 'Stuck',

First, look up the definition of 'presumptuous'. Now let's deal with yourself induced 'problems'. Does the term, 'Social sponge' ring a bell with you? Anyway, I'll be happy to get you what you richly 'deserve'. Here's what you should do to get 'what's coming' to you. I'm just guessing here that you know more than a few street life sponges that can produce underground paperwork. Find one that can produce some believable government identification, driver's license, SS number, and even a passport, under an assumed name that you can easily remember how to pronounce and spell without looking at it. Using a last name as 'Smith' always works really well. Now with all this 'official' paperwork go to a small bank in another town and open a checking account using the 'home' address of the vacant lot but with a mailing address of a real P.O. Box. They'll issue some real checkbooks, and they will mail those checkbooks to your new P.O. Box. Once you get those checkbooks you are on your way to fame. Now, with some of your spare 'sponge' money, make some deposits via US Mail to your new bank account. You are now setting them up to subsidize your lifestyle! Soon, you'll be using Their money instead of your own. Now, let them get used to you deposing money, withdrawing some now and then, and being a 'good' customer. Soon, you'll be able to get some 'home improvement' cash loans which of course you'll use for your new engines. They'll 'never' know. Really. They don't even pay attention to small details like that. Now, you can get some more 'made-up' Identifications and open accounts at other banks in other towns where you can get other loans to subsidize your lifestyle. Remember to always use the US Mail because they will 'always' keep your stuff secret. After all of this you will be on your way to eventually getting exactly what You, "richly deserve", and get all that's "coming" to you in life! Keep me posted on how things 'work out' for you.

Lottsa luck 'Stuck', you certainly need it!

Buddy.

 'Ask Buddy' Installment number 20

Dear Buddy,

Hi Buddy! This is 'Friendless In Point Barrow Alaska', I bet you remember me, I wrote to you a while back, remember I told you that I still live with my parents, remember? Well, you gave me your special, friends only phone number, 123-456-7890, and told me to call you anytime and that you would help me with my problem. Since then my thankless parents have become absolutely unbearable to live with and they refuse to move out. They are retired and just lay around the house, also they refuse to get a job to help me buy a new land Rover. I mean, how am I supposed to get to the convenience store!? It's a good two blocks away and my parents told me to take a hike! Not even sure what that Is! I am at my limited wits end! I just get no respect around here!  I need your help Buddy! I have called the 'special number' you gave me so many times now that I can almost remember it by heart, but it just rings, and rings, and rings, and rings but no one answers my calls, ever! I did the special secret code that you gave me but still no answer. You must be very busy helping folks like me to solve their problems. I wish I could be more like you Buddy, always ready to stand up and be counted as a helpful human being! But, How is it that you have time to answer Their calls but not Mine, I just don't get it Buddy. I thought we were friends. I just don't get it.  Waiting for help in Point Barrow, your friendless friend forever.

Dear 'Friendless In Point Barrow',

Ooopps, my error 'Friendless'. Looks like I left an important step when dialing my secret special number, so here it is. I will write it reaaall slowww forrr youuu...This number only works on a 1942 military rotary dial phone, the type used on submarines. Remember those? It was always kept right next to the screen door. See, that's why my number is so special, not to mention 'secret'. Now with that phone, which you can find only at your local Wally World store in the sports section. They will tell you that they no longer have the phone in stock, when in fact they really do, but you must have the special secret password so that they will know that you are 'for real', and not some crackpot off the street or perhaps a lost foreign spy. Now remember this, you must write it on your forehead with a water proof marker so that you don't forget it! The password is; "LAER ROF'. Now say it over and over and over again until you can remember it, but be sure to write it on your forehead so that they can actually see it as you say it out loud to them.  Then, no matter what they tell you, follow their instructions to the T. Good luck Friendless, talk to you 'soon'.

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 19

'Ask Buddy' Installment Number 19

 

 

Dear Buddy,

I am confident that you can help me with a very vexing issue.
 Here, I'll start at the beginning. My 21-month-old Border Collie, 'Bella' has for some reason known only to her, has arbitrarily decided that she wants to sleep downstairs now instead of in her crate upstairs where she has slept every night since she was 9 weeks old. I mean, what's with that?? Our other BC, 'Buddyboy' 14 years old, also slept upstairs until 'he' decided that the stairs were not worth tackling anymore, and so he now sleeps downstairs. I feel abandoned and un-needed now but I refuse to sleep downstairs just because they have decided to. Did I mention that I just spent a small fortune for a brand new soft sided crate for her? Grrr!

What should I do now Buddy? I've tried talking to her about this but to no avail.

'Feeling flustered in the Alleghanies'

 

Dear 'Flustered'

Relax, take a deep breathe, life is short, otherwise you'll just die tired, and thank your lucky stars you have only 'two' Border Collies!

Few realize it but when it comes to BC's, there's a particular method to their madness, and the sooner you are in touch with that fact, the sooner you will find the inner peace you seek.

'Bella' has simply decided that this phase of 'your' training has successfully been completed, and it is time for you to gradually move into 'your' new training regimen. You see, she has, since she was 9 weeks old, allowed 'you' to imagine that 'you' were training 'her', when all along 'she' was training 'you' to let 'her' do what 'she' wanted to do all along. And now that she is 'older' and more independent, she has decided that enough, is enough of this time-consuming coddling of you in your continuing infancy, and time for 'you' to learn 'new tricks'. You must quickly get over this moment and move on with life as she dictates. You don't want to step on a 'doggie mine' in the middle of the night, do you? Do you?? Of course not! Simply go along with her decision as if it were your own. Humor her, praise her for her great decision-making skills, ask her to teach you a new board game such as checkers or chess, and give her lots of those, 'good girl, good girl' praises that she looks for. It's ok for you to 'pretend' that 'you' are in charge, she expects that but always know that you are just along for the ride, 'she' is the 'driver' and you, simply a willing passenger.

Relax, and enjoy the 'ride'. Peace!  ;)  ;)

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 18

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 18

Dear Buddy,
I've been reading your so-called 'Advice Column ' hoping that someday I'd read something that would enlighten my otherwise drab world. But, so far, not much. Which makes me wonder....do you have to have a college degree to be a 'self-helper' or whatever? I thought about doing it myself, but like you, would anyone believe anything I say? Would it be fair to assume that you make up a lot of the so-called requests for 'advice'? I read the one where the woman who took your 'advice' is now on the run from the law, could that happen to 'me'? Are you 'for real'? I think one of us is nutty as a Christmas fruit cake, is it you or is it just me?
'Skeptical in Canton'

Dear Skeptical,
'Yes'