Friday, November 24, 2023

'Dear Buddy' Installment Number 21

   Hi Buddy,

I feel like I already know you! I'm counting on you to help me out of some self induced financial doldrums which are not caused by me personally, but by people who just don't connect with my problems. So, as you can imagine, it's not Me, it's Them. Where do I begin. When I was 12 I somehow, probably my pushy fathers doing, I held a respectable job as a newspaper carrier. That worked out well, in my opinion, for a few weeks until unfounded whines from customers expecting too much, got me kicked out of the newspaper work force. Does it really matter at what time of day you get your paper?? I most always, well occasionally anyway, delivered them before midnight but seems like people liked getting the news while they are still awake. See what I mean about whinners?  I was really traumatized by the failure of people to expect more of me than they actually deserve! I'm the one who 'richly deserves' things in life, and get all that's coming to me! So, as you can imagine, I haven't actually 'worked' since then, but now at 42 I am self sufficient by getting government, and other social subsidies, and I don't even have to get dressed and leave my subsidized house and listen to these failure at life whinners.. It's a lot of work but somebodies gotta do it, right? If it ain't Me, it'd be someone else.  Anyway, I'm sure you can understand my plight. Buddy, what I need most right now is 2 new inboard engines for my 46' yacht. Word to the wise here, don't use olive oil as a motor oil substitute! Talk about engine freeze-up!! But who knew, right?  Well, I can't figure out how to get a subsidy for  new engines here! Wouldn't you think someone would have figured this out by now? That's where You come in Buddy. You seem like a wise and cleaver money maker solving other folks problems, so could you please help me get those darn engines, and a case of motor oil, so that I can continue my cruise? I'll even trade a few money making subsidy tips with you! Folks like 'us' gotta stick together, right?

Thanks in advance, 'Stuck In Tahiti'


Dear 'Stuck',

First, look up the definition of 'presumptuous'. Now lets deal with your self induced 'problems'. Does the term, 'Social sponge' ring a bell with you? Anyway, I'll be happy to get you what you richly 'deserve'. Here's what you should do to get 'what's coming' to you. I'm just guessing here that you know more than a few street life sponges that can produce underground paperwork? Find one that can produce some believable government identification, drivers license, SS number, and even a passport, under an assumed  name that you can easily remember how to pronounce and spell without looking at it. Using a last name as 'Smith' always works real well. Now with all this 'official' paperwork go to a small bank in another town and open a checking account using the 'home' address of the vacant lot but with a mailing address of a real P.O. Box . They'll issue some real checkbooks and they will mail those checkbook to your new P.O. Box. Once you get those checkbooks you are on your way to fame. Now, with some of your spare 'sponge' money, make some deposits via US Mail to your new bank account. You are now setting them up to subsidize your lifestyle! Soon, you'll be using Their money instead of your own. Now, let them get used to you deposing money, withdrawing some now and then, and being a 'good' customer. Soon, you'll be able to get some 'home improvement' cash loans which of course you'll use for your new engines. They'll 'never' know. Really. They don't even pay attention to small details like that. Now, you can get some more 'made-up' Identifications and open accounts at other banks in other towns where you can get other loans to subsidize your lifestyle. Remember to always use the US Mail because they will 'always' keep your stuff secret. After all of this you will be on your way to eventually getting exactly what You, "richly deserve", and get all that's "coming" to you in life! Keep me posted on how things 'work out' for you.

Lottsa luck 'Stuck', you certainly need it!

Buddy.


Thursday, November 23, 2023

 'Ask Buddy' Installment number 20


Dear Buddy,

Hi Buddy! This is 'Friendless In Point Barrow Alaska', I bet you remember me, I wrote to you a while back, remember I told you that I still live with my parents, remember? Well, you gave me your special, friends only phone number, 123-456-7890, and told me to call you anytime and that you would help me with my problem. Since then my thankless parents have become absolutely unbearable to live with and they refuse to move out. They are retired and just lay around the house, also they refuse to get a job to help me buy a new land Rover. I mean, how am I supposed to get to the convenience store!? It's a good two blocks away and my parents told me to take a hike! Not even sure what that Is! I am at my limited wits end! I just get no respect around here!  I need your help Buddy! I have called the 'special number' you gave me so many times now that I can almost remember it by heart, but it just rings, and rings, and rings, and rings but no one answers my calls, ever! I did the special secret code that you gave me but still no answer. You must be very busy helping folks like me to solve their problems. I wish I could be more like you Buddy, always ready to stand up and be counted as a helpful human being! But, How is it that you have time to answer Their calls but not Mine, I just don't get it Buddy. I thought we were friends. I just don't get it.  Waiting for help in Point Barrow, your friendless friend forever.



Dear 'Friendless In Point Barrow',

Ooopps, my error 'Friendless'. Looks like I left an important step when dialing my secret special number, so here it is. I will write it reaaall slowww forrr youuu...This number only works on a 1942 military rotary dial phone, the type used on submarines. Remember those? It was always kept right next to the screen door. See, that's why my number is so special, not to mention 'secret'. Now with that phone, which you can find only at your local Wally World store in the sports section. They will tell you that they no longer have the phone in stock, when in fact they really do, but you must have the special secret password so that they will know that you are 'for real', and not some crackpot off the street or perhaps a lost foreign spy. Now remember this, you must write it on your forehead with a water proof marker so that you don't forget it! The password is; "LAER ROF'. Now say it over and over and over again until you can remember it, but be sure to write it on your forehead so that they can actually see it as you say it out loud to them.  Then, no matter what they tell you, follow their instructions to the T. Good luck Friendless, talk to you 'soon'.


Monday, July 13, 2020

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 19

'Ask Buddy' Installment Number 19
 
 
Dear Buddy,
I am confident that you can help me with a very vexing issue.
 Here, I'll start at the beginning. My 21 month old Border Collie, 'Bella' has for some reason known only to her, has arbitrarily decided that she wants to sleep downstairs now instead of in her crate upstairs where she has slept every night since she was 9 weeks old. I mean, what's with that?? Our other BC, 'Buddyboy' 14 years old, also slept upstairs until 'he' decided that the stairs were not worth tackling anymore, and so he now sleeps downstairs. I feel abandoned and un-needed now but I refuse to sleep downstairs just because they have decided to. Did I mention that I just spent a small fortune for a brand new soft sided crate for her? Grrr!
What should I do now Buddy? I've tried talking to her about this but to no avail.
'Feeling flustered in the Alleghanies'
 
Dear 'Flustered'
Relax, take a deep breathe, life is short, otherwise you'll just die tired, and thank your lucky stars you have only 'two' Border Collies!
Few realize it but when it comes to BC's, there's a particular method to their madness, and the sooner you are in touch with that fact, the sooner you will find the inner peace you seek.
'Bella' has simply decided that this phase of 'your' training has successfully been completed, and it is time for you to gradually move into 'your' new training regimen. You see, she has, since she was 9 weeks old, allowed 'you' to imagine that 'you' were training 'her', when all along 'she' was training 'you' to let 'her' do what 'she' wanted to do all along. And now that she is 'older' and more independent, she has decided that enough, is enough of this time consuming coddling of you in your continuing infancy, and time for 'you' to learn 'new tricks'. You must quickly get over this moment and move on with life as she dictates. You don't want to step on a 'doggie mine' in the middle of the night do you? Do you?? Of course not! Simply go along with her decision as if it were your own. Humor her, praise her for her great decision making skills, ask her to teach you a new board game such as checkers or chess, and give her lots of those, 'good girl, good girl' praises that she looks for. It's ok for you to 'pretend' that 'you' are in charge, she expects that, but always know that you are just along for the ride, 'she' is the 'driver' and you, simply a willing passenger.
Relax, and enjoy the 'ride'. Peace!  ;)  ;)

Sunday, July 12, 2020

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 18

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 18

Dear Buddy,
I've been reading your so-called 'Advice Column ' hoping that some day I'd read something that would enlighten my otherwise drab world. But, so far, not much. Which makes me wonder....do you have to have a college degree to be a 'self helper' or whatever? I thought about doing it myself, but like you, would anyone believe anything I say? Would it be fair to assume that you make up a lot of the so called requests for 'advice'? I read the one where the woman who took your 'advice' is now on the run from the law, could that happen to 'me'? Are you 'for real'? I think one of us is nutty as a Christmas fruit cake, is it you or is it just me?
'Skeptical in Canton'



Dear Skeptical,
'Yes'

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 17

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 17

Hi Buddy!
Remember when I wrote to you asking for advice? I'm the woman whose husband I 'thought' was running around with wild women, and just like a man, was constantly denying it. Of course it later turned out that he actually wasn't. But in the meantime I told you what I suspected, and you told me to "clean out the checking account and book a 'singles' cruise". Well, I did what you 'advised' me to do. And now I'm 'wanted' in three states for forgery, bank fraud, theft, and income tax evasion. What the hell buddy! I'm living under an assumed name which I can't even spell, dyed my hair, the color of which I hate, I'm living under a rock practically, and all because I listed to your stupid advice!
What should I do now?? What Buddy, what!?
'Wanted in Three States'



Dear 'Wanted',
Stop following my 'advice'?

Sunday, July 5, 2020

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 16

'Ask Buddy', Installment Number 16

Dear Buddy,
It takes a lot to stump me but as luck would have it there's a few things that do. The other day A few friends were talking about snakes, and one mentioned that people actually 'milk' snakes for their venom. WTH is 'that' all about Buddy!? I mean, I don't claim to be a damn snake expert, but, do snakes really have titties??? Where do they even keep them?? Wouldn't it be like slithering around on a bunch of speedbumps? Wouldn't their 'milk' be poison in the first place? Is this just 'udderly' crazy, or is it just me!?
'Stumped' in Reno



Dear 'Stumped',
Yes, "udderly", and yes, 'you'.

Thursday, July 2, 2020

"Immunity Passports". Really!??

"Immunity Passports". Really?? This is akin to giving a 'hall pass' to a 'serial killer' just because he hasn't killed anyone since 'yesterday'!
This "Immunity Passport" idea is about as dumb as anything can possibly be, it simply proves that there may be a cure someday for this killer virus, but there will never be a 'cure' for stupidity. We cannot 'ignore' the Covid-19 pandemic away, and a "passport" will not make American's safe in any form or fashion!