Ask Buddy  Installment Number 27

Hey Buddy! Buddy, I need help bad! Well I don't mean I need 'bad' help, you know, just the other way around actually. I know in my heart of hearts that I can depend on you and you alone to really help me. Here, let me tell you what's up. My whole family, some I'm not too convinced of, my so called friends, and not too sure of most of them, and of all people, my doctor, and I 'know' of all people he would be the last to say so, tell me that I'm crazy as a loon! What in the hell is a 'Loon'!? Is that the same as a Goon? I know what That is, but this loon thing has me stumped like crazy. not 'loon' crazy, just crazy crazy. Whatever it Is, I'm not crazy as, as far as I know anyway. Oh sure!, I might do some silly stuff like, standing in front of trains, which I do Not recommend to novice train buffs, jaywalking, swimming with sharks, Never ever using my seatbelt, playing with copperhead snakes, closing my eyes going down stairs, jumping from my second floor windows, picking fights with UFC Fighters, which I plan on winning some day as soon as my current injuries heal up, and there's some more but I think you get my point here.

 Now does That stuff make me 'crazy?'  Could all these biased people be wrong about me?  What can I do to convince people that I'm as sane as you Buddy?  How about we have lunch out on the tarmac at JFK Airport some day, and you'll see first hand that I'm not so crazy after all!?  Hurry up with your answers before they figure a way to have me committed to the looneytune bin!  Thanks Buddy!                                  Not so crazy after all in Motor City, USA.

Dear Crazy as A Loon, Thanks for entrusting me with your clouded future. You ask, "what in the hell is a loon". Well, as crazy to You as it may seem, it's just a 'bird' that lives on water. Yeah, I know, that's just 'crazy', right? And no, not the same a a 'goon', birds don't carry guns.  Does the 'silly' things you do make you "crazy"?  Yes, I'm afraid so. And No, those people are not as biased as you imagine. What can you do to "convince people that I'm as sane as you Buddy", well as to the first part of that question, that ship has sailed. You were probably dodging traffic in an intersection and missed the boat as well. As for the second part of that same question 'as sane as You Buddy", hmmm...good luck with That! And last, hopefully, "tarmac at JFK Airport", shoot!, I have appointments all day long on that day but you can write to me at 'Ask Buddy' 1234 Fifth St. Loonville, USA, 54321  As soon as I get your letter I'll touch base with you for a 'lunch date.  Good luck Crazy, you're gonna need lots of it!

 Ask Buddy Installment Number 26

What better to do than to give sage advice, as seen following, to another 'Needy' soul. 

Dear Mr. Buddy, I sure hope and practically pray, not that I'm a religious nut or something like that, but I Am a great 'hoper' for sure. What's Your favorite thing to hope for Buddy? I bet you hope you can solve everybody's problems without breaking a sweat! I sure hope so! Well, at least for my own! Right? Well, I wont waste your time with small chat Buddy, so I'll get right to it here.     I'm 48 years old, and like most of my friends I still live with my parents, I don't have a job yet but I 'hope' to have one someday. I really like living here because I don't have to pay rent or contribute to anything while doing it. Pretty cool huh? The problem is, my parents keep bugging me to get a job and a place of my own because they want to retire and 'downsize', whatever that is! Downsize?? Are they really trying to become 'smaller' than they already are?? How crazy is That!? I told them to just go on a diet and stop eating all of my snacks! Good grief! But why should I have to get a job, and the last thing I want to do is find a place of my own! Shoot! I have it right here! Actually, I think They should find a place of Their own and stop bothering me while I'm playing my computer games! Their house is paid for so whatta they got to lose!      So, are they just crazy and lazy or is it just me? And how can I convince them that They should move out so that I can live as I've become accustomed to?   Thanks Buddy, I just know you'll have a good answer to my problems. Your friend in need.

Dear Needy, to answer your first question; No, No, and of course, Yes.   To answer your second question, just follow my instructions without fail. Remember, it's your 'parents' that have the problems that are way bigger than your own, or actually, as big as yourself. 

  Here's what you will do, and also remember that it was You that asked for advice.  First you must use 'reverse phycology' on your unfortunate parents. Keep in mind that they are likely by now elderly and easily influenced, which makes Your job a whole lot easier.  This means that you convince them, in their owns minds anyway, that the following scenario is 'Their' idea and not your own, even though it Is your own idea. Don't get confused yet. If you want I can type reaaalll slooow. Now, just tell them that maybe they Should go ahead and 'downsize', whatever that means to You. Then, and this is where the 'tricky mind play' comes in, tell them that you've decided to 'move out', actually you will simply go and sponge off of one of your likewise friends while your parents go about 'getting smaller'. It takes a few months for a person to 'downsize' getting 'smaller' so have patients and give them plenty of time to get there. Tell them you will positively move back in without fail in four months, and wish them luck in 'downsizing'. Give them plenty of encouragement at first but leave them totally alone after you 'temporally' move out. Wait four months and then just do a 'drive-by', no, Not That kind of 'drive-by', just drive down their street and cruise past your former home and see if they are still there. If still there wait another four months. 'Downsizing' is not easily, or always quickly done. I think you are going to be really 'surprised' at how well this works out for you!   Good luck Needy! Be sure to give me an update. Remember, You asked for it. ;) ;)

 Ask Buddy  Installment number 25

Gosh, just when I thought I'd get a break for a while along comes 'Jeb' from the "Show Me State' with serious need of my 'professional' advice. So tighten your seatbelts as we hotrod into the 'speed zone'.

Hi Buddy! You don't know me but I sure do know you. I'm whatcha might call, a 'follower'. Not like a 'stalker' or anything like that of course. I mean, Who does That!? You know, I'm just a 'reader' follower. Really.  Well, enough about Me, but I could go on and on and on but I wont. So here's the thing I'm writing to you about and I just know you can help me.  Almost all of my friends, as they call themselves, actually believe that planet Earth is shaped like a basketball. Can you believe that!? I mean what the hell is that all about.  Anyone with the brains of a piss ant knows that it's flat as a banana pancake! Right? Do you like pancakes Buddy? Boy, I sure do! Anyway, there's no way that earth can possibly be round like a ball! Buddy, I consider myself pretty smart. I'm the sharp knife in the drawer! People tell me that I'm at the top of the 'heap' when it comes to brains. But, they also tell me that the earth is round and not flat. Some folks just don't have any common sense like you and I do Buddy! Right?

 My question is this, will you help me prove that the earth is flat?  Do you think I'm a little crazy here? How should I go about 'proving' my case that the earth really is flat as a fritter? 

Thanks in advance for your 'professional' help Buddy! Affectionately, 'Flat Earther Jeb', in the "Show Me State".

Dear Flat Earther Jeb, or whomever you may be, my answers are as follows;  Yes,  Yes more than a "little",  and Yes. First, if you really Are in the 'Show Me State' this means that no matter what, you have grown up in a state, no pun intended, of perpetual doubt about, well...everything, and I can't really blame you for thinking the earth is flat, as you have been born to do.  So, with that out of the way, here's what you should do;     First, climb to the top of something that's about 100ft tall. From there you'll be able to see the horizon that's around 12 miles or so distant. Remember, that's Not the edge of the earth yet, so don't worry you wont fall off yet. Next, do the same thing as before. Upon traveling that 12 miles repeat the same drill again, and again, and again, and all over again. Eventually you'll wind up right there in your own back yard. Oh, be sure you pack a lunch, you're gonna get a little hungry! Check back in with me when you actually do, if ever, locate the edge of Your 'Flat Earth'. Good luck Jeb! ;)

 'Ask Buddy'  Installment Number 24  

As luck would have it we have another lost soul just floundering around in life full of  

Hey Buddy!  I wrote to you a long time ago but I forgot to mail it so you probably don't remember me, do you? Well, once you know me it'll be hard to forget me, that's for sure! Just ask my parents! You're probably wondering right now why I'm writing to you 'again', and when am I gonna move out of their house. Oh, where do I begin? I'll try starting at the beginning 'cause I guess it'd make more sense that way. I always start at the beginning of things, you know, like going to the store. I usually start from where I'm at at the time. Works 'nearly' every time! Some folks tell me I'm pretty smart. What do you think Buddy? Is it alright with you if I call you 'Bud'? Seems like I've known you a long time Bud! Well, here's My problem, it's about the only problem I actually have, that I'm aware of.  Anyway, here it is in a nutshell. Hmmm...wonder where that came from! I never saw a 'problem' in a nutshell, just a bunch of nut stuff...Oh well, it's for bigger brains than mine to figure that one out.

Anyway Bud, it's like this, I have a dog, I call'em "Dog"...because, well, he Is a 'dog' after all. Can't call him 'Cat' now can I? I yell "Hey Dog", and he comes arunning. So far so good. He's a good dog as far as That goes. But he has this one little habit, I guess you could call it, where when he's around other people he likes to sneak up behind them and sniff their butts. I mean what tha hell is That all about!? I don't do it that I know of, so why does Dog do it?? Annnd, he likes to sniff women's crotches''! I don't know What he's after down there!? I'd sure like to know! My question is, Number 1, when He does it should I just get down there and do it too? Number 2, Would it become habit forming? Number 3, Should I ask first? Number 4, Should I just ask, "hey, whatcha got in your pants anyway?"  Well, I'll be sure to mail This one Bud! Hurry up with your answers before I get in some sort of trouble on my own!                                             Your new friend, with a dog named Dog.

Dear 'Dog', Maybe, Probably, Yes, Probably not. I have a feeling we'll be seeing you in the news so Good luck and don't blame it on the 'Dog'!